Friday, October 29, 2010


There's still no change. The doctors are attempting to go 'full-term' which I hope means the day that I hit 37 weeks they'll pull him out. What a long and exhausting pregnancy.

I am so glad that he's still doing 'ok'... ok for Parker anyways. If it were any other kid, they'd be panicking. I'm glad he's showing them what he's capable of. :)


Saturday, October 23, 2010

Still Pregnant...

At one point my cardiologist said that they would deliver him at 32 weeks, that he would definitely be coming in October. Well, 32 weeks was yesterday, and I'm still pregnant. I'm also thinking the October birthday isn't going to happen either.

So, now, November anyone?


Tuesday, October 19, 2010

New doc

Part of the trade-off for leaving the hospital was that besides daily ultrasounds, I had to transfer all my care up to the hospitals up there. All parties agreed that it would just be easier for all my records to be in the same place. Although this is NOT good-bye to my current doctor, she still fully plans on delivering me and keeps updated on my care. Either way, I was still a bit hesitant to meet my new doctor and see if she was on the same page as me.

I was pleasantly surprised in some aspects.

She is totally fine with my old dr delivering me. She is ok with just being a short fill-in in my prenatal care. They just need me to have a place to pee in a cup and get weighed, and she's ok with that. And something even nicer- she agrees w/me that daily ultrasounds are pointless. AND she's going to get it changed so that I only go up there three times a week! Of course, those three days are going to be chock-full of appointments, but I'm ok with that.

One thing that I wasn't as thrilled with- she mentioned that she'd like to see this pregnancy go to term. Ugh. The thought of dragging this out that long makes me exhausted. But we'll see how that plays out, I guess.

And... Parker failed his ultrasound. Again. Not that they care, because like I said, these ultrasounds are pointless. They look for a few things, but the most important thing is that he's moving, which he ALWAYS is. (And can be determined without an ultrasound, if you can believe it!)

I would post my ultrasound pictures, but it is of his profile and his foot. Again. Maybe I'll make a flip-chart of his foot ultrasounds, and you can watch it grow. Otherwise they're just collecting dust on my desk!


Sunday, October 17, 2010

Not much to report...

No news is good news, right? I've just inched past the 31 week mark and things are going ok. The 30 minute drive up to the hospital is not fun, and I get to do it (at least) daily. But I'd rather make the drive than live there, thats for sure! And I got to spend my newly 3 yr old son's birthday with him, so that makes me happy!

Parker is doing as well as can be expected. He's moving a lot. He has failed a few of the tests, but its more likely due to laziness than anything else. I had another fetal echo, which are pretty much considered the 'big appointments'. The cardiologist makes guesses on how he thinks the baby's doing, and then adjusts the plan accordingly. Parker is doing much the same, and the doctor alluded to maybe keeping him longer than the 32 week mark.

I have very mixed feelings about this. I really do care about my son's health. But with daily ultrasounds half an hour away, this pregnancy is dragging on forever. I'm spending approximately 60 dollars a week just on gas. And I am so anxious to meet my son. And to stop worrying about him on a daily basis, on whether he's moved enough or if I should call the doctor for each twinge.

I just wish I knew the plan!


Tuesday, October 12, 2010

more 3D

So with all my ultrasounds, I have a drawer chock-full of cute pics of my unborn child. Especially at first, I would end up with handfuls of black and white blurry images, and I would ooh and ahh and then put them in my desk drawer. As time went on though, ultrasound techs have to start getting creative. I mean, how many profiles do I need, right? And I think its safe to say he's a boy, I have at least ten images of the 'money shot'. A few times the techs have decided to do 3D ultrasounds, which I love. I get lucky about once a month, and today was that day! I love how chubby his cheeks are getting, and I love seeing his button nose. I think its interesting to see the difference in ages though. At 22 weeks, he resembled Gollum from Lord of the Rings, or at the very least an old wrinkly man. I think I would've cried if he came out looking like that! But he's getting cuter as he's baking! Here's 22 wks, 26 wks, and today at 30 wks!

And for the results of the ultrasound, everything is still looking the same, no change. Thats all we can hope for at this point!


Monday, October 11, 2010

Happy Happy! Joy joy!

I am HOME! And exhausted! But home!

I went in to the cardiologists today, and he said "wow, things are starting to look a bit better! The amount of fluid has gone down, and this baby looks fine. So we're good, you can keep staying in the hospital and we'll keep monitoring you!" And... I started crying. A part of me was hoping that the dr would say "Oh no! Lets deliver you today!" not because I want my son to get sicker, but I cannot stand to be in the hospital. I think its pointless, and just causing so many problems for so many people. My family is torn apart and its becoming quite stressful. Once the dr saw my tears, I think he realized that this was not what I wanted. So in an effort to stop the hormonal pregnant lady from sobbing, he told me I can go home if I abide by his conditions.

UHM, YES! Anything! Let me hear it!

So here they are:

1- I have to have daily ultrasounds up at that hospital. Weekdays, weekends, everything. They want to continue monitoring the fluid amount, and checking that he's moving. Basically, just making sure he's not getting distressed.
2- I have to go in for weekly fetal echo's with the cardiologists as well.
3- I have to also visit with the head of the high-risk doctors up there, as sort of a consult. They want to make sure that I understand everything that is going on.

So it will be tough, but I would so much prefer that than the current situation. It is tough staring into space, wondering when the next meal will come. Missing my husband and child. Feeling the guilt and the sadness of the situation. Dealing with VERY incompetent nurses (not all, I had a few I loved!) And the run-around as all million of my doctors and nurses tried to communicate, and failing miserably.

So instead, I get to sleep in my bed! And spend my son's birthday with him! And see my husband all week! And hug my kitties!

Of course, this could all change in a second. If for any reason, Parker's not doing well, I win a one-way ticket back to the hospital. But I will take what I can get.



It finally worked out that I could have Grant spend the night with me in the hospital while Grandma and Grandpa took Colby for the night. Colby had a wonderful fun night, and it was so relaxing and great to have a night with Grant, just the two of us. To feel him near anytime I wanted, to not have to say goodbye.

Grant didn't really enjoy the 'rest' he got, though. This pile of blankets? Thats him hiding from the lights and noises of sleeping in a hospital.
First of all, lets forget that his pull-out sofa is almost twice the size of my bed.

The noises I understand are HORRIBLE. That vent right by him? That is non-stop loud white-noise air. It never stops, period. And then, there's my bed. Its one of the hospital hydraulics beds, right? But about every five minutes, it 'goes off'. I liken it to an airplane about to take off. It slowly builds up in loudness and intensity, until about three minutes later it just shuts off. So when you're trying to fall asleep at night, either you're listening to it 'take off' or you're waiting for it to do so. SOOO noisy.

And the lights. There is a light in the wall that never turns off. Period. Its also right at my eye-level when I'm sleeping on my left side. So annoying.

And the best part, the constant visits from nurses and doctors. My night schedule is horrible. I go to bed at 11, and the nurses wake me up (with lights, noises, etc) at 12, 4, and 8 for a heart rate and also to get all my vitals. And for kicks and giggles, all the doctors file in about 6 am to say hi and see if I need anything.

So after my the doctors left at 6, I peek over at Grant and see him like this. Yeah, he'd never hold up to living in a hospital! But it was nice to climb out of my bed and go snuggle with him. Its the part I miss the most about home!


Saturday, October 9, 2010

small bit of information...

They have stopped caring how low his heart rate is. They are just more checking to make sure he has one. (ok that sounds a lot worse than it really is. Oy.)

They keep monitoring me more for movement and to check that the fluid around his heart isn't getting too much bigger. They just want to make sure he's not in distress. If he is, they'll take him out.

And I LOVE LOVE LOVE my dr, she has informed them that she will be doing the delivery. I miss seeing her, so it will be nice to have a friendly face there at that moment when I'm scared and worried. So although its not her turn for rounds up here, she'll be there. Love her.


Friday, October 8, 2010

Today's update

Well, its hard to say, but I think I am 'settled" in here now. I have a few regular nurses that I just adore. I have caught on to the routine. I've survived a day. So I guess I will be ok.

Parker's heart rate dropped again. Geez, I wonder how many times I've said that on this blog. At my ultrasound today, they got a 48, 45, and 43 reading. Frankly, I am curious how low they are going to let it get. It makes me more and more nervous.

Plus I feel like I don't really have a doctor anymore. There's a million doctors looking at my case, but I don't think the communication is the best. I am being looked after by the local hospital doctors, with them updating the Primary cardiologists and my old doctors. But I think the local hospital doctors don't share information as well as they ought to. I am still waiting to hear what my doctors and cardiologists thought of the ultrasound, and the doctor was going to inform me ... 6 hours ago? Its kind of driving me nuts.

Luckily though, today hasn't been too bad. I have had a few visitors that have brightened up my day, and I love the people who are chatting with me online throughout the day too. It makes it go quicker and I don't lose my mind!

Well, I guess thats it. Its getting late and I'm running out of things to say!


Thursday, October 7, 2010


This has been an insane evening, for sure. But is official, I was admitted into the hospital and will not leave until this child is out of me.

This has been so hard for me. I really really really do not want to do this. But if the dr's think its for the best, well I have to respect that. I have to do everything in my power to get Parker here safely. I would never be able to live with the guilt if something happens that could've been prevented by me.

Its been a rocky and difficult evening. Grant took me up with Colbs along for the ride. Colby was in a horrible mood because he hadn't gotten a nap and it was past dinner time. And it just seemed like the doctors and nurses were out to get me. I wasn't allowed to eat or drink. I have to have an IV. Cervix check. Group B strep swab. They changed my due date on me. I was just miserable and wanted to sit down and cry. This was not something I wanted, and it seemed like they were just making it worse.

The absolute hardest part though was saying goodbye to my son and husband as they left. I couldn't hold back the tears, which made my husband emotional. He wanted to just sweep me away and take me home, but it wasn't possible. And Colby was confused as to why they were leaving mommy hooked up in this bed. We said a prayer before they left and it was just so hard.

Fortunately though, things started happening for the better. The doctor came in and said they were moving me to a regular care room, instead of labor and deliver. I would have no monitors. No IV. I could wear normal clothes. And I could EAT! I would be allowed to wander the hospital, I just couldn't leave. And I needed to have checks on the baby's heart every 4 hours. I was more than happy to make that deal.

And now, well, things are good. I'm alone, but friends are doing so well and keeping me company online. I feel a bit better with how things are going. My stomach is much happier now that I've had some food. I feel comfy in my pajamas. I wouldn't say things are great, but they are definitely bearable.


What an emotional day...

So at the appointment today, things did not go well. Parker's heart is now beating at 48. Below 50 is VERY bad. Also, a bit of fluid is forming around his heart. Not a lot, but it is a sign of heart failure. The ultrasound technician left to go get a doctor, and due to a lot of patients she brought in a new dr I had never met. Apparently, this doctor did not know my background, and did not realize how huge these things were. How dangerous they could be. So she patted me on the back and said "see you on monday!" I walked out of there confused, but I figured she knew what she was doing.

I got home, and talked to my wonderful stepmother as she cleaned my house for me. She left, and as I was sitting down to lunch I got an urgent call from a doctor from the practice. She's not my main doctor, more the #2 of my case. She said she was going over the notes from my ultrasound, and panicked. She was not told of the results during the actual appointment. She told me to rush down to Primary's, so the cardiologists could have a better look and decide what to do. She said "you have been doing so well, we don't want to lose this little guy!"

I rushed. I ran. I cried a bit. This little guy has been having such a difficult time lately.

After a quick echocardiogram, the dr did confirm the previous findings. And then he dropped the bombshell. He wants me to be admitted to the hospital so they can monitor me closely. For how long? Until this baby is born. And he wants to get the baby to 32 weeks. At least two full weeks of sitting in the hospital alone, without my son and my husband.

What will I do with Colby? What will I do without Colby? I have no idea how I will make it. The thought alone is making me sob. In all my planning, I never thought that something like this will happen. I am not prepared for this. My son's 3rd birthday is in 10 days. I do NOT want to miss it.

The dr was going to call my dr to let her know of his thoughts, and I hope she talks him out of it. I really do. I would honestly prefer to deliver this child tonight than have to go through that. I feel horrible and selfish for saying that.

Right now I am just depressed and a mess.


Tuesday, October 5, 2010


Well, that was a completely exhausting day. I finally got home about 6, and after a second dinner (hehe) I just had to go to bed. My legs felt like lead and my brain was so fried.

Its kind of weird being in this position, but a small part of me is disappointed that he didn’t come last night. I know its better for his health to be in there longer, don’t get me wrong. But this entire thing seems so… draining. Going to appointments twice a week and playing the mental game on whether my son will be ok this week or not. Over-analyzing his kicks. Taking pills every 6 hrs that end up not doing a thing. It seems like every minute of my life is wrapped around this pregnancy, and I’m just sick of it. I’ll do it for his benefit, but I can’t pretend a small part of me wasn’t thrilled to get to ‘the next stage’.

And also, after the initial panic and heartbreak, I sort of got excited. I was going to meet my son! To see his little toes and fingers. To gently scold him for being so difficult, and to tenderly graze his cheek with my fingers.

But I guess it isn’t so. October 4 is just not his birthday.


Monday, October 4, 2010

Goin Home!

Well despite everything looking questionable, they're send us home. Parker seems to be moving fine, even though the other things are still a concern. If anything, they're just going to monitor us a bit closer, maybe 3 appointments a wk? LOL great...

So exhausted. What a long day!

so far...

not much to report. theyre trying to monitor me but can't get his heartbeat with regular stomach monitors. they took me in for an ultrasound that told them nothing new. hes still measuring small and still has a slow rate.

and they gave me food! i have not eaten since ten pm last night, and that was a cookie. this morning i had my glucose test so i didnt eat, and then after the horrible appt i wanted to not eat in case i was rushed right in to a c-section. now its after 4 and i am delirious with hunger. 18 hrs of no food. but the fact that they gave me food means parker wont be here too soon.

so just waiting, watching, seeing what is going to happen.


what a horrible monday.

sorry in advance for the lack of capitalization, i am typing this one handed while in a labor and delivery room.

today at my twice a week appointment ... well it didn't go well. They did measurements and discovered he's measuring at 25-27 weeks, which is pretty bad because he is supposed to be right at 29. so they checked out the umbilical cord, and I guess its not working up to speed. they think that he's notbeing given the nutrients he needs to grow, which is really bad because of the heart thing. Also he has decreased fetal movement, we could barely get him to move even after taking the nasty glucose drink.

So my Dr. wanted me to go to the U (where I have to deliver) to monitor him and potentially deliver him. We are currently at the U of U hospital, and hooked up to all sorts of monitors that can't find the heart beat (we can hear a lot of movement though).

At this point all we can do is wait and see. We are worried, but hopeful.

The really ironic thing is that it has been exactly 10 weeks since we first got the initial "something might be wrong" ultrasound. We were really hoping to keep him in as long as possible, and at this point we are just hoping for the best. We will try and keep you all updated.

Amy and Grant